Paul Newman Reveals Heartbreak Over Son's Addiction in Memoir: 'Never Thought It Would Be Fatal'

Fourteen years after the death of Paul Newman, there's a lot the world never knew about the legendary — and complicated — actor.

In a new posthumous memoir, Paul Newman: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Man, he dives deep into his own psychological makeup and the tragic loss of his son Scott, who died from a drug and alcohol overdose at the age of 28 in 1978.

The book is based on interviews for an oral history project that Newman and some of those closest to him undertook in the mid '80s. A project in which the only rule was to be "completely honest."

When talking about the loss of his son, whom he fears felt in competition with his famous father, he says, "I kept thinking he was going through a phase of adolescent bad judgment. I never thought it would be fatal."

"Was there some way I might have told him he didn't have to be like me?" he asks. "That he didn't have to do macho things and could just be himself?"

"Many are the times I have gotten down on my knees and asked for Scott's forgiveness," he continues. "I ask for forgiveness for that part of me which provided the impetus for his own destruction. What would it have taken to avert that? I'm not certain, but I don't think I could have gone into films and been a movie star. I couldn't have drunk."

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In the book, Newman, a father of six children (Scott and five daughters) says that "being a star throws everything out of whack for your kids."

As he excavates his own feelings of guilt and helplessness surrounding the death of Scott, he says, "There is even something grotesque in saying 'Forgive me.' The energy up there that represents that kid will just give me the finger and say, 'Well, what am I supposed to do with that?' "

Clea Newman, the daughter of Paul and his second wife Joanne Woodward, says, "There is no greater loss. But he was able to compartmentalize and kind of suffer in silence. It's heartbreaking but I think it also moved him to do some deep soul-searching."

His self-examination included a look at his own heavy drinking. "It's an interesting challenge, how far you can take the drinking without really self-destructing," says Newman.

"In the early 1970s, I think I took it as far as it could go, before realizing I had taken it that far," he shares. "For someone as controlled as I am, to experience the delight, the luxury, of being out of control, and to keep yourself constantly at risk, is simply pleasurable."

"There are terrible things that happen with booze," Newman adds. "I marvel that I survived them."

Paul Newman: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Man is out Tuesday, and available for preorder now on amazon.com.

For more on Paul Newman, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday.

If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, please contact the SAMHSA helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.